i can see your struggle, you’re covering up

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Ellie, my teacher, asked to talk to me again today. “How’s it going” she was wondering. Did I manage? Was I getting any better? How did I feel? How did I feel right at that exact moment? All of these questions pouring down on me. It’s good to know someone cares. 

People usually don’t bother asking how your day is, or how your life has been recently. Why? Because everyone is so freakin’ busy dealing with theirs. They never even stop to think about that girl or boy you see every day, in class, at work, in the gym, maybe? Doesn’t even consider them not having the time of their lives. For all we know that girl in the gym has an eating disorder, and is struggling her butt of to NOT gain weight. She doesn’t eat, she barely sleeps. But somehow she’s managing, and hell no if she’ll ever tell others she’s afraid to gain weight. She needs to get thinner, she needs to get thinner. And when she does, it’s not enough.

For all we know that girl in class is suicidal, she cries herself to sleep every night. And she cuts. She cuts deep, and many. More and more every time. That is why she’s all covered up in big sweaters. She might hate herself, she might have experienced a traumatic experience a couple of years ago that leads to what she’s become today. Maybe she actually has a mental disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder? Borderline personality disorder? Bipolar!? 

Why is it so that we don’t have the time to look out for that many others, but ourselves? Guess what, I am those persons described. And I can openly write it here, because no one is going to find me out. I am Annie, but that’s not my name. This is my free space to write whatever I’m feeling. This is my place to shout out to the world and say HEY, WORLD, TODAY SUCKS AND NO ONE KNOWS. Now you know. 

So you might have guessed, but… Today sucks. I just can’t take it. I tried talking to my boyfriend about it yesterday, but I couldn’t bear myself to bother him with my problems. He’s told me it’s fine, that I can talk to him about anything. That he just wants to help and be there for me. Be there with me as well. But still… I always feel like I’m bothering people, if I talk about my problems. I want him to just lay there with me and just… be there, simply. But I don’t want to bother him with my silly crying. My stupid problems and obsessions. My stupid eating disorder. I haven’t eaten today, and I don’t plan to either. Ellie, however, figured me out. She asked how my scars were doing recently. I answered with a simple fine. Everything’s always fine. She said she could see my struggle, she could see how I was all covering my arms all the time. And she saw my shirt slip the other day. She told me it’s allright that I’m still struggling with it, she just wanted me to know she cares. And she notices. And she knows. It’s fine.

Of course it’s fine. It’s okay for me that she cares, it helps me actually. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m fine…. Only not that fine today. Or basically many other days either. It’s not fine.

I’m not fine, but I will be. Someday.

XOXO, ANNIE

school and tied together with a smile

allright so today I’m going back to school. I have to admit I have some mixed feelings about this, because of my “slackened” school days hence of my depression. I want to go back all in, but I don’t know if my focus is completely restored. I often find myself drifting away. Because truth is, I’m still struggling. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m mad. I’m paranoid. I’m confused. I’ve got a headache all the time. I get lonely. I get sleepy. I get tired. I get sentimental. 

And you guys, all of this combined… It’s certainly NOT easy! I’m barely hanging on here. It’s like I’m tied together with a smile. And when I loose that, I loose myself completely. Only positive thing about me right now is I have to stay strong for my boyfriend. That’s right! My boyfriend… He’s amazing. He’s so kind, and understanding. I told him a lot bout my story from two years and up till now, and all he said was “Who cares if you’re self-harming? Or that you still have problems with food after your eating disorder? I mean, it’s not like I don’t care about that, because I don’t want you to be struggling with all of this. But all I can do is be there for you, and try to be the light in your days. What I meant is you’re still the same girl to me, even though you’re struggling. It doesn’t change the way I look at you, and I still want to be with you.”

After having heard that it was crystal clear, I wanted him to stay with me as long as we last. PS: I hope this relationship is in for the long go!! It certainly looks good right now at least. 1 month and a week together, and I’m still as in love as when we decided to take whatever was happening between us into a relationship. And man, am I happy. He’s gorgeous, blonde, blue eyes. He’s athletic, not in the body builder-kind of way… LUCKILY. ( No offence) But in the healthy kind of way. Man I adore him. 

XOXO, ANNIE

new years resolutions

This blog started up as I updated it more often and often. Suddenly I started getting lazier and lazier with my posts. But truth is, I’ve been, and still is, deep down. Hence I’ve also been really busy. So my new years resolutions will be, no matter how tired or down i am, I’ll still try updating this blog. It was kind of like my diary.

So… cheers. To the new year.

XOXO, ANNIE

good morning, sadface

good morning wordpress! … good morning everyone. and good morning to me in the mirror! 

I will say that my special someone does make me feel a lot better, BUT. Oh god here it comes, YES THERE IS ALWAYS A BUT!! … But, only when I’m with him, kind of. When I’m back alone I feel useless, ugly and not-at-all-attractive. Um, I think this might be because when I’m with him, and he compliments me and such, I kind of forget about my problems, but only temporarily. THAT’S THE PROBLEM, everything is temporarily! Anyways, I ‘am getting help, though. So that is good, I guess. Even though I didn’t see my own problems as problems, but I’m doing OK now. I still have my downs and ups. Sad days, happy days, crushed, hyper. But once I start taking my meds, I think things’ll change. That’s what I’m afraid of too! What If it doesn’t? What if I get boring? or what if I change? … SHUT UP, ANNIE 

Yep. I tend to ramble on like that, especially inside my head. But things’ll change now… Right? For the better.. I suppose.

XOXO, ANNIE

radioactive

Hey guys, anyone listened to Imagine Dragons?? They are amazing! My new favourite song must be Radioactive by Imagine Dragons, I don’t know, it’s just something about that song. Or it’s just something about their music, basically. Just like M83. Love them. Especially “Wait”.

So lately I’ve been going to a psychologist, I don’t know where this is heading, but I’m hoping things are going to get OK from here on. BTW, there is this special someone in my life right now, he’s wonderful. And I even told him my whole story, and he’s OK with it. He says I’m still the same girl, and his feelings for me are still real. How great isn’t that? I don’t know, you guys, but I actually think this could be something big. This could actually be something. I have a special feeling about him, what the hell… I actually like this guy!

XOXO, ANNIE

coming to an end: reality’s settling in

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I’m sorry for not blogging whatsoever in a couple of days, it’s just that I really have had a lot of going on and seriously NO energy. I didn’t feel like doing anything, just wanted to lie in bed and forget the world, but the world was still out there. The world was still rotating and going on as usual. It felt like I was frozen, while everyone around me was somehow moving on. And the cuts, they became more, and more and deeper. Not just physically, but also mentally. I am both mentally and physically wounded. Now reality started to settle in.

My teacher, Elle, found me out. She was really concerned about me. She told me I’ve been looking paler, and she rarely saw me eating anything. Nevermind my sleep, I’ve been at lack of concentration, and sometimes falling asleep in class. Strictly she asked me to show her my arms, hesitantly I did so. It felt scary, I didn’t want everyone to know, I didn’t want to feel this… exposed. It was my deepest secret, and when it comes into light, well… it feels like I’m standing on a stage. Naked. With spotlights on. Then there’s no use in covering up, really.

So next thing I knew I started confiding in Elle. Telling her how sick I was of everything, how dark everything was. I told her about 60% of my suffering, thoughts and feelings. The other 30% is something I have to keep to myself, I can’t let no one else know. It’s too personal, and frankly.. I’m ashamed of the last bits of my story. Elle drove me to a medical health station, where I was sent further into a psychiatric station. Of course all of this was against my will, I didn’t mean I needed them. I still mean I can carry on, if only just a little longer. But there sure as hell wasn’t anything wrong with me.

The psychiatric center wanted to firstly stop my cutting, then wanted me back on meds for Bipolar disorder. About a year ago and a half, I was going to a psychologist. She told me I had bipolar disorder, but we kind of never “treated” it. Or like.. never did anything about it other than me going to her weekly to talk. Now apparantly it’s so serious I’m destructive. I’m a danger to myself.
And all of this is really bringing me further down… Because everyone around me now are telling me I’m mentally ill. I’m sick. There’s something wrong with me… And so on. I can’t handle that, it just feels as if the whole world is pointing out that actually YES there IS something wrong with your head and state of mind. It feels horrible.

But one thing I know, I do want to get better though. Even though I’ve kind of accepted that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life, but at least I can get help through my ups and downs. I just wanted everything to end, and I still do. I want the pain to end, but maybe there is another solution for me out there, than the ones I was using and thinking about doing. As for right now I can’t really say much more, other than I’m me. And you know what? That is actually… Okay. Somehow.

XOXO, ANNIE