Ellie, my teacher, asked to talk to me again today. “How’s it going” she was wondering. Did I manage? Was I getting any better? How did I feel? How did I feel right at that exact moment? All of these questions pouring down on me. It’s good to know someone cares.
People usually don’t bother asking how your day is, or how your life has been recently. Why? Because everyone is so freakin’ busy dealing with theirs. They never even stop to think about that girl or boy you see every day, in class, at work, in the gym, maybe? Doesn’t even consider them not having the time of their lives. For all we know that girl in the gym has an eating disorder, and is struggling her butt of to NOT gain weight. She doesn’t eat, she barely sleeps. But somehow she’s managing, and hell no if she’ll ever tell others she’s afraid to gain weight. She needs to get thinner, she needs to get thinner. And when she does, it’s not enough.
For all we know that girl in class is suicidal, she cries herself to sleep every night. And she cuts. She cuts deep, and many. More and more every time. That is why she’s all covered up in big sweaters. She might hate herself, she might have experienced a traumatic experience a couple of years ago that leads to what she’s become today. Maybe she actually has a mental disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder? Borderline personality disorder? Bipolar!?
Why is it so that we don’t have the time to look out for that many others, but ourselves? Guess what, I am those persons described. And I can openly write it here, because no one is going to find me out. I am Annie, but that’s not my name. This is my free space to write whatever I’m feeling. This is my place to shout out to the world and say HEY, WORLD, TODAY SUCKS AND NO ONE KNOWS. Now you know.
So you might have guessed, but… Today sucks. I just can’t take it. I tried talking to my boyfriend about it yesterday, but I couldn’t bear myself to bother him with my problems. He’s told me it’s fine, that I can talk to him about anything. That he just wants to help and be there for me. Be there with me as well. But still… I always feel like I’m bothering people, if I talk about my problems. I want him to just lay there with me and just… be there, simply. But I don’t want to bother him with my silly crying. My stupid problems and obsessions. My stupid eating disorder. I haven’t eaten today, and I don’t plan to either. Ellie, however, figured me out. She asked how my scars were doing recently. I answered with a simple fine. Everything’s always fine. She said she could see my struggle, she could see how I was all covering my arms all the time. And she saw my shirt slip the other day. She told me it’s allright that I’m still struggling with it, she just wanted me to know she cares. And she notices. And she knows. It’s fine.
Of course it’s fine. It’s okay for me that she cares, it helps me actually. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m fine…. Only not that fine today. Or basically many other days either. It’s not fine.
I’m not fine, but I will be. Someday.